Internet dating

Nothing is what it seems in the strange world of internet dating. It’s the ultimate fantasy land  where,  if you choose to do so, you can  be whoever you  want, say whatever you want , and can create a whole new personality. Bizarrely,  a lot of people even bother to  lie about their ages on these websites, which seems a little pointless.  Surely this is setting yourself up to be rumbled at the very first meeting? 

I soon learnt while trawling through endless profiles that there were certain phrases that should be avoided at all costs. Claiming to be in possession of a good sense of humour is number one. You can guarantee that anyone who claims to be very funny pretty much isn’t. On any level. Again “wacky and crazy” in my experience usually meant deranged, but to be fair at least they tried to warn me. And listing a favourite occupation as ” an evening on the sofa with a nice bottle of wine” is in my view deeply suspect

Though at times the whole process was brutal and pretty soul destroying, it was also extremely funny. Particularly funny for my dear ( non single) friends who devoured every detail of my  latest dating car crash scenario with relish. And I’m sorry to say there were many car crashes of the multiple pile up variety. It got to the point where rather than have a long detailed profile ( detailing my good sense of humour etc) I compiled  a list of questions based on real gents I met,  updating  the questions when necessary.  This avoided many misunderstandings and the answers were intersting to say the least. This was all some years ago now but from the top of my head the questions  went something like this.

1. Do you have a toy train that you like to ride around your garden while wearing a drivers hat?

2. Is a detailed description of bathroom fittings and your collection of ties an interesting subject for a first ( or any) date?

3. Do you pretend to work for MI5?

4. Would you say that David Icke is sensible or insane?

5. Is a leather waistcoat ( without a shirt ), a leather hat, leather trousers with fringes down the side,  and cuban heels the ideal fashion item ?

6. Do you have a live in girlfriend/wife at home that you have forgotten about?

You would be surprised at how many  did in fact suffer from amnesia and did have partners. This seems unbelievable particularly as  most of them also had profile pictures which could so easily have identified them. Then again maybe this just spiced things up at home.

The man with the toy train..what was I thinking?  Similarly the David Icke fanatic who was full of conspiracy theories and vitriol against his ex wife. Or the spy who kept sending cryptic messages from “abroad” and lists of fantastic reasons as to why he was having to postpone our meetings. Then I found out that actually he was with his wife in Thames Ditton. Dear sweet Mr Leather  I think was simply on the wrong website at the wrong time. The most bizarre message I ever got was from someone who said he shoed horses and  spoke to the dead. I slightly regret not having taken this further. 

One of my all time favourites was Mr bathroom fittings/ tie collection. We met in a bar and I was impressed at his ability to speak almost without stopping , a bit like those Tibetan monks who can do circular breathing. On and on he went about bathrooms and ties as I gradually slipped into a coma. In the end I pretended my phone was ringing ( it wasn’t) and that one of the kids was ill ( they weren’t), made my excuses and left. All the way home on the bus he bombarded me with jolly messages. The next day I sent him a very friendly yet firm text saying how nice it was to have met him but that we weren’t particularly suited. I got a reply saying” Fantastic, lets set up a chorizo restaurant together”. Er, let’s not. And then the one who suggested we went for something to eat and then offered me a half eaten apple and a sip of lukewarm tea from his flask. 

It’s an interesting lesson in human nature all round,  because however you try and convince yourself that you aren’t in the least superficial and that looks don’t  matter.. OF COURSE THEY DO.. especially if all you have to go on at the very start is a photo. Then again you could make a great documentary based on what constitutes a good photograph,  or what makes people think is a good photo. Its a mystery to me as to why a seemingly normal grown  up art teacher thought that I would find the photo he sent of him holding his stomach in while standing  stark bollock naked in  a beige bathroom in anyway enticing. And the  endless photos of  action man posing next to his cars, boats and motorbikes, in the gym, on the beach, up mountains, on water skis, on hang gliders..blimey it’s exhausting. Then again, I’m sure women are just as bad ( or worse as David Icke man kept telling me) 

I guess at the end of the day most of us just want to be loved, to have someone to fight our corner and hold our hand in the dark. And yet this most simple of desires at some times felt impossible and lonely. But as a friend told me at the very beginning of the process, you just have to keep going and the right person will come along,  which in my case was good advice.  This whole internet dating experience was an extraordinary journey for me. I had a great deal of fun, some wonderful experiences, met some brilliant men, visited a huge amount of bars, laughed, wept, and  have made good friends for life. You know who you are and I thank you.