The willy bar ( do not read  while eating breakfast) 

I saw a show once where a man drank a glass of milk. So far so good. Then he cried tears of the milk  down his cheeks and collected them in the glass and offered them around. Strangely nobody took his offer of such a tasty tipple. In the same show another man attached a harness to his penis and then dragged various pieces of furniture across the stage with it, and then in the finale  pulled even more furniture with the addition of a a very large person from the audience sitting in a wheely office chair as we all sat there wondering what on earth was the point. Not sure where I’m going with this, oh yes, alright, I do..to the infamous willy bar.

When we were in Tokyo,  rumours were abound about a bar where the staff performed a cabaret show around the table, performing tricks with their willys. Obviously in the interests of research we went. Finding  ourselves in a typical Tokyo bar, tiny and cramped with a few business men propping up the bar and absolutely no sign of any performers  we were convinced it had all been a mistake. But lo and behold, two sweet smiling young men in Happi coats appeared and started talking to us,  asking us where we were from, how long we had lived in Japan, did we kow the Queen personally , usual stuff. Then without much warning they switched into show mode. One of them whipped out a small torch from his pocket and shouted ” Ok, showtime” and shone the torch on to the other ones genitals. This was generally much funnier to us women, the men of our group sat there open mouthed in horror, with a lot of wincing and shifting about on their stools, a bit like when you’re watching a really gruesome operation, actually I have never watched a gruesome operation but you get my drift. We were then entertained ( not exactly the right word but couldnt think of an alternative) with all sorts of tricks mangling, and contortions,  and to keep things simple I shall just list the titles of the ones I can remember , some of which are better left without any accompanying description. 

1. Kebab ( with the added prop of a chopstick) 

2. Loch ness monster ( good to cater to all nationalities )

3. Snail ( with added toothpicks for horns)

4. Woman

5. Elephants head 

6. Full moon/half moon ( a small ritz cracker like biscuit pushed inside end of willy, and with cunning torch action the shadows make it look like either a full or half moon..yes I know it is hard to imagine the circumstances when that one was  thought up.. obviously someone was reaching for the biscuit tin and slipped, while naked..you know how these things happen)

7.Fire throwing. Yes, you read correctly..lighter fuel inserted inside foreskin, lighter fuel let out, lighter lit..you get the picture

8.And the grand finale..karate chops chopsticks balanced between two beer glasses 

The funniest thing about the whole evening ( which is up there in the top ten of the funniest of my entire life) was that in between tricks they came and chatted with us about normal things like the fact that they actually wanted to be surfers, while clearing glasses and emptying ashtrays, which in hindsight is also really quite sad,  but at the time made the whole thing feel even more like a bizarre dream. Only in Japan..and I really hope that very soone after our visit they abandoned their torches and headed for the surf somewhere. 

And hoping I haven’t offended anyone with this story I’m off to have a kebab ( that was a joke)