Noises off

We have a mystery noise in our street. It starts at around 6.30 am and continues just long enough to make sure you are wide awake,  and then it stops. Half an hour later, just as you are drifting off again off it goes again. And so on until the time when you would be having to get up anyway.

Its a bit like a digger being dragged along a pavement, or a L says, a woodpecker pecking into a metal pole, but the weird thing is that it is absolutely impossible to tell where it is coming from,  though me and my neighbour P are on a mission to find it. This morning I jumped on my bike and did a quick circle up and down past the allotments and round again, though whenever it seemed I was about to find the source,  it seemed to be somewhere else. Our street is pretty narrow with tall houses on each side and the acoustics are a bit strange. For example, if someone is having a party which is very loud from the back garden, you can walk round the corner into the street and you would hardly notice. 

When we lived in Wren Rd our  Sunday evenings were interrupted by the local preacher ( ranter) who at 7pm on the dot would set up his portable PA system on the corner. He would then proceed to blast our ears off with tales of hellfire, damnation and dire warnings as to what would happen to us if we refused to let the holy spirit  into our lives. As none of us had any intention of inviting anything holy into our lives it was like a red rag to a bull. Any attempts at reasonable conversation with him in order to persuade him to be quiet proved pointless as he ranted and raged and called us heathens and harlots. In the end we complained to the council who eventually agreed that it was all a bit much and removed his PA system.This only made him worse and he started to walk up and down the street pausing outside our front door.  Finally  S had enough and marched out of the house with a large bucket of water which he threw over him. We never heard or saw him again. 

S had one of those bikes with a fixed wheel that you had to pedal backwards in order to brake. One day by the bus stop  at the top of Denmark Hill the hem of his trousers got caught in  the chain and proceeded to rip from one end to the other leaving him with four strips of fabric and a waistband . The fact that he was not wearing any pants must have made the day of the people waiting at the bus stop and we laughed so much when he arrived home with what was left of his trousers wrapped around his groin that I had to lie on the floor.

It’s funny how you get used to some noises but other make your teeth grate. Last night we went out and sat in the window opposite the Greek shop and the Hermits cave. At least seven ambulances and police cars roared past in the hour or so we were there with sirens blaring,  but we barely noticed them.  I hardly hear the planes that constantly fly over the house or the banging and crashing of the bin  men in the mornings. The clunk of the bathroom light being turned on and off below my attic bedroom was always more comforting than annoying because it symbolised the safe return of one or other of my offspring, though the slamming of the front door in the middle of the night is less appealing 

There used to be a charming man who lived in one of the flats opposite the allotments. He did not know the meaning of speak, only shout. He shouted at his kids, his wife, his dog, the neighbours, the neighbours dog, the neighbours wife, you name it, he shouted at it. One day he came round to ask if we had seen his parakeet which had flown out of the window never to be seen again. A lucky escape on the opart of the parakeet if you ask me. A couple of years ago  I was out in the allotment and it felt as if something was missing. It took a while before I realised that there was no noise coming from the balcony opposite. And indeed the whole family had moved and taken the shouting with them. 

There are noises that are put on this earth simply to drive you mad. Firstly, snoring. An activity that should never be encouraged on any level and yes, I know we all do it ( very occasionally in my case I hasten to add) but it is probably the most annoying sound ever and more guaranteed to end in trouble or a bit of shoving and kicking at the very least. In the interests of world peace and because I love you all,  those of you  who snuffle and snort like badgers and train engines, and have kept me awake on many a night through the years shall remain nameless,  but you know who you are. 

Another  are those electrical whistling / whining / tapping noises that again are impossible to find yet deeply irritating. Like when the smoke alarm starts beeping,  and though you know it is becauise it needs new batteries, it is 3 am and you don’t have any so you attempt to turn it off. Still beeping. You remove the batteries and disconnect it. Beeping continues. Eventually you pull the whole contraption out of the ceiling. Our fridge freezer started playing up and for about a week would vibrate and hum, then stop completely , start again, get louder and louder and then stop. And so it went on until it decided it had been quite infuriating enough and started behaving itself. And the boiler sometimes makes a noise that sounds as if a bird is sitting inside it whistling and pecking away,  but in fact I have realised that all I need to do is to turn the handle to increase the pressure and the bird goes away. 

I am reminded of the classic Mel Brooks film ‘Silent movie’ when the only spoken word  is courtesy of  the mime artist Marcel Marceau who utters the word “Non”. 

Have a peaceful Thursday